sik & sixteen

Being sick sucks. Sick on the day I was to be licensed to drive, aching on the day I wasn't missing yoga. Cotton handkerchief. Too hot, too cold. Hoping for that one-day kind of illness.

I want school, I need school. So many things happening at once. Stuff to do. Pressure on. Get things done.

I'll indulge in retail therapy. But for someone else. I get paid tomorrow, in the money again. Maybe some left to spend on myself, on my body that aches and groans like un-oiled doors and makes me ill but without the usual symptoms.

Must sleep. Getting up early is hard in winter.

Spring is coming. Birthdays, anniversaries, parties, sun, energy. All headed towards me slowly with the end of the year, looming with it's expectations and pressures.

pheremeral

no makeup and here i can type all the words i want to type ears hurt on the inside did i clean them too well? this time it's too strong maybe the numbness made it easy to do

pants fall down not mine

cow print stool perched stamps on hands

tiny flora collapsing

fake nails click click click letters forming words

clever

naughty stop this mindlessness

what is he doing this time? out of my control ignore it no business of mine

stood up hidden

nothing but a shirt and underwear in front of the whole damn crowd this time

stop whispering in that girl's ear she's mine not yours you're mine not hers

it's time for fleetwood mac

i'm not stevie tonight no sleeves just jeans

ears itch like the alone edges of seventeen

why is he gone i ponder again i forget to think about important things sometimes

like a bell in the night no bells heard here it's click lick nails sometimes a shiver

i think i have to find you now

i think i'll go even though it's this song

thump floor not enough need more

hands unfurling and this is the one where we think

now i've got you in the undertow

what's the matter?

you hurt yourself?

why you wanna blame me for your troubles?

you better learn your lesson yourself

tonight i'm not warm enough in bed and the wind howls and conversation exists in the room next to me but only through the power of science and technology and i don't like space i just want him to stop this

i can sleep if i want to, right?

except now you've gone and made it so i can't

too much space

unsaid words

come

back

what katy did next

Very gorgeous.

Tomorrow I get on an aeroplane and fly to Auckland and stay in a lovely little part of the massive city called Devonport, with my lovely aunt. The next night I have a ticket to Katy Perry, and the next day it's Mother's Day and I'm going out for breakfast with family.

Design work and lovely words. My fat black cat is lazing behind me and I'm sketching four of my teeth with long creepy roots. Today was nice and sunny but I'm always too tired.

kitty purry

I'm going to see Katy Perry on Saturday.

Today was another bleary day of nothings but I have smiles and tickles. Food is a really lovely thing right now, but so is playing fun games on Wii Fit.

He's usually here, to hold my hand with his cool fingers. We chat and bicker about little meaningless things in the warm.

les feuilles mortes

Today I got up and it wasn't very hard. I ate two slices of homemade bread with butter and I went to school in my lovely fluffy coat. I was cold there, and things had changed but I ate pumpkin soup and I was happy. Kicking leaves and holding hands between classes. Health class was good, questioning values and beliefs and grinning at thoughts of what is mine. Hometime was a pick-up and a top-up in the rain, and home was a warm bed and kisses, chicken pies and more homemade bread. I watched Nowhere Boy, disappointed by the lack of rock n' roll lifestyle but brought to tears by the sad ending.

I have adjusted to this new city I live in. I'm getting my learner's license soon.

friday the 22nd

All I need is to exist, and for others to exist alongside me, and for my shower not to shake when I'm in it.

I'm going to a french party today. A little bell rings over my head, various niceties surround me but my bedroom's a mess and I can't stand it. Why does the roof creak? It's disillusioning.

I need somebody to french plait my hair. Soon I will touch my toes easily.